Conan
System: NES
Release Date: February 1991
Developer: Eastridge Technology
Publisher: Mindscape
Genre: Action
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women in Conan! Everyone’s favorite Cimmerian barbarian is on a quest to become king of Aquilonia. The manual is a giant exposition dump, which is supposed to be written in the style of a Conan novel, but I would have to read if I want to be able to confirm that. The gist of things is that you need to find four urns and bring them to Aquilonia to be crowned king. Eight stages stand between you and the throne, so get ready to slay all the enemies in your path, and if you don’t want to do it, I shall regale you with my journey.
The game begins in the catacombs of Belveras. You’re equipped with nothing but your fists and skeletons and imps are constantly spawning. You can kick and punch with the B and A Buttons respectively. Controls are very… unwieldy to begin with. Pressing up jumps straight up. Down jumps forward. You can run and jump by pressing the up diagonals. Killing enemies can net you an item in certain circumstances. The skeleton will drop a sword after you kill a few. The imp will drop fireballs and then health pickups. Picking up items is an exercise in futility. You must press the A Button immediately by down on the d-pad. Messing this up will just cause you to throw a punch, which is unhelpful. Pressing the Select Button takes you to the weapon select screen where you can change weapons.
Certain weapons are better in some circumstances than others. The sword is required to cut the chains of this skeleton to unlock the demon. Killing him gets you a pitchfork, which must be used to kill the Cerberus. Leaving the level takes you to the Desert, where you’ll be killing a ton of Centurions. Be mindful to attack at the giant statue because it drops a mirror shield which makes the next level easier. Why? You guessed it, a giant gorgon! You have to attack with the shield to deflect the gaze of Medusa and get under to kill it with a sword slash. You can then use the head against the Hydra at the end of the level.
The viking ship is next and after you kill some vikings, a crow swoops down and you have to avoid its lightning while swiping at it to kill it. You crash into a forest and will be fighting an unending supply of giants, but if you can snag some daggers from the goblin dude, you can kill them easily. But once you reach the woman being burned at the stake, there are wisps that will drag you into the air and drop you elsewhere. The torch is a necessity to pick up in order to kill them. Then the dragon at the end is killed with those daggers you have in your pocket.
The sky castle is your next challenge and requires a lot of precise jumping. Warriors who throw lightning bolts at you are spawning as well as some little creatures that drop health. The goal is to kill a couple castle guards who pop in and out of their drawbridges. The castle is just a front for a pyramid! Here the four urns are hidden inside of bigger urns. Getting to them isn’t easy, as you need to be adept at jumping platforms, especially this moving one. Finding all four makes Anubis start to attack, but luckily the Eye of Ra wipes him out easily. The final challenge is placing the four urns in the correct places in the tomb of the Pharaoh. Choose the wrong spot and you die instantly. And if you lose all your lives, it’s game over. But if you can time travel, it’s an easy battle against the giant Pharaoh head with the ax and the crown becomes yours.
Graphics: 1.5
So, it doesn’t look good, but I kind of found some of the animations and sprites charming enough.
Sound: 1.5
Music is repeated a lot and the loops are short.
Gameplay: 1.0
It took me a bit to get used to the controls, but even then, I never got comfortable with them.
Difficulty: 0.5
There’s a bunch of awful design and BS as well as no continues or extra lives.
Fun Factor: 1.0
I’ve had worse times with games, but it isn’t particularly fun.
Overall Rating: 1.1
Conan earns a D. This is not a good game. I don’t recommend it, but I’ve played worse. If you can get through this legit, I would call you a strong gamer.