Caveman Games
System: NES
Release Date: 1990
Developer: Painting by Numbers
Publisher: Data East
Genre: Minigames
Show that you’re the best neanderthal of them all in Caveman Games! There are six events to master to become the greatest athlete of them all. Choose from one of six competitors, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Do you have what it takes to beat all the rest? Ready. Set. Ugh!
You can choose to practice individual events or compete in them all. Each caveman (or woman) has a bit of a blurb about where they come from and what they’re good at. Gronk is the best overall competitor, without any weaknesses. Vincent is the worst overall competitor, just competing for the affections of Crudla. I started by taking Ugha out for a spin because he looks like he could be a distant ancestor.
The events start with Clubbing. Humorously enough, it does begin with some erratic dancing in the intimidation phase, where you move the d-pad around quickly to push your opponent back. Then it’s up to you to drain the other guy’s health by smashing them. The Overhead Smash is powerful, but takes a long time to wind up. It’s easily countered with a quick shot to the face or knee. And can be set up by holding the A Button to point in the opposite direction. The Mate Toss is next. Look at me dragging Gert to the starting line! You need to match the speed of your spin on screen with the d-pad, then hold the A Button to get close to a 45 degree angle. If you can get your speed up, and a good angle, you can get a huge distance. Look at that cave lady fly!
The Dino Vault has you set the height you need to clear. Then bash the A Button as fast as you can. When you reach the chasm, press the B Button and let go at the proper time to launch yourself up and over. If you’re not quite good enough, you’ll either get eaten by the T-Rex or fall down the chasm to your doom. The Dino Race has you once again mashing the A Button and jumping over obstacles with the B Button. You need to be early with your jump, or you will fall into the obstacle and lose precious time as you run back to your mount. A well timed turbo by bashing your dinosaur in the head by pressing right will give you an advantage.
Fire Start tasks you with starting a campfire. In a wild turn of events, you need to mash the A Button to rub two sticks together. Once sparks start falling, press Down a few times to start the fire. Then it’s a race to press Up to fill your lungs and Down to grow the fire. You can try to bash your opponent on the head with the B Button for an advantage, but your opponent is good at ducking. The final event is the Saber Chase, where a sabertooth tiger is out to get you! Once again, mash the A Button to run, jump over obstacles with the B Button, and press the d-pad to throw your opponent backward. Score enough points and be the greatest Cave Athlete in the world!
Graphics: 2.5
The graphics are quite charming and each caveman has a different sprite, which was nice.
Sound: 2.0
Music is sparse and the sound effects are serviceable.
Gameplay: 3.0
Each game works great outside of the Saber Chase.
Difficulty: 3.0
It took me three playthroughs to get to the point that I understood and excelled at most of the games.
Fun Factor: 3.0
I enjoyed myself to a high degree. This is the best minigame compilation I think I’ve played so far.
Overall Rating: 2.7
Caveman Games earns a B-. This is so much better than all the other games in its genre. It shows that if you put some time and creativity into something, even the oddest titles can be good.